he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
