My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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