Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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