I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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