KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
