i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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