guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
