you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
