You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
