he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
