I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
