btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
