a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
