The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
