He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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