I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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