i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
