she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
