i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
