It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
