yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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