I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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