remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
