And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
