I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
