i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You pole danced in your parka.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
