there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
