i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
