I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
