A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
