I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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