FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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