I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
