we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
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