Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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