So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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