There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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