Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
