What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
