Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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