I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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