He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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