I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
