i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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