i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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