my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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