4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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