I wanna bring you to show and tell
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
