he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
