I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
