I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
we're making bets on your personal life
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Im part way to drunk.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
